Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
