Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
