that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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