Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it hurts more in the daytime
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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