Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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