I think I won the penis lottery.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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