dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
