someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
