I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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