My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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