actually, I'm a sock model
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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