she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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