sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
