my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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