The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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