saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
