Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
