Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
