No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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