i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
