Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
