it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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