I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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