I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
