Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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