Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I wish there were birth control emojis
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
