They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
