How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
