I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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