When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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