also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
