Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
