my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
