Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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