My hand turned me down
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
