I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
