me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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