Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
