i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I need a burrito and a hug.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
