All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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