We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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