I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
