Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
