Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
