Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
