I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
