Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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