Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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