the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
