Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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