grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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